Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
