I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
