If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
