She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So squirting runs in the family.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
