We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
