R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just had sex bonerless
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i will never coherently bang her
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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