I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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