Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
