Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My liver just broke up with me...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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