Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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