I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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