The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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