she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
