everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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