This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
MIDGETS
????
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
