You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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