we have pet lesbian snakes
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
