My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i believe in u and ur pee
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize