she woke up with a sticky ear
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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