Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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