so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
