she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Bring me that man meat
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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