Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I am one with the molecules
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
