The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
