chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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