I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
