just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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