I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
