cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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