You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
