I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
