Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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