I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
