we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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