it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
