You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize