I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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