rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
