after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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