PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
