Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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