So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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