Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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