The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
