Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
