i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Randomize
