If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
