1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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