4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Randomize
