id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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