Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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