I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
