dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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