eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
