barbara walters just said penis...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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