saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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