my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
