I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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