after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
