we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Blood and glitter go together right?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
