can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize