Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
