I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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