why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
