then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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