How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
