Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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