you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
